The Unsettled, High Needs Baby: What’s Going On, and What Actually Helps

Some babies arrive earthside calm and content, snoozing between feeds and happily gazing at the world. Others… not so much.

Some babies seem to need constant holding, frequent feeding, motion, and the physical presence of their caregiver 24/7. They cry often and hard. They fight sleep like it’s a sport. They seem “unsettled” — all. the. time.

If that sounds familiar, you might be parenting what’s sometimes called a high needs baby. And before we go any further, let’s be clear — this isn’t about “spoiling” or “making a rod for your own back.” Your baby isn’t broken, and neither are you.

What is a “high needs” baby?

The term isn’t a diagnosis, but rather a description — one that many parents find deeply validating. It was first popularised by Dr. William Sears, but lactation consultant and infant feeding specialist Shel Banks has done an excellent job of unpacking what “high needs” really looks like in real homes, and what’s actually going on behind the scenes.

These babies are often:

• More sensitive to their environment — light, sound, touch, temperature, transitions.

• Highly alert and aware from the start — noticing everything, taking it all in, and quickly becoming overstimulated.

• Physiologically intense — when they’re hungry, they really mean it. When they’re tired, the whole neighbourhood knows.

• Needing more regulation — meaning, they rely heavily on your body, your scent, your rhythm, your presence to help their own little nervous systems find calm.

They’re not “difficult.” They’re intense. Their needs aren’t bigger, they’re just louder — and they need adults who understand what that means.

When does it start?

Usually right from the early weeks. Parents often describe having a sense that “something’s different” from very early on — the baby who won’t be put down, who cluster feeds for hours, who only naps on a moving chest.

Sometimes, the unsettled behaviour ramps up around 3–6 weeks, right when baby’s digestion, sleep-wake cycles, and sensory awareness are developing rapidly. If breastfeeding, this is also the time when supply is regulating — so the baby may be feeding almost constantly, and you might be questioning your entire life.

What actually works

Forget the old advice about “teaching the baby to self-settle” or stretching feeds. These babies don’t respond to training — they respond to connection.

Here’s what tends to help:

• Babywearing. Keeps baby close, allows movement, and gives you your hands back. It’s nervous system magic.

• Responsive feeding. Frequent feeding — day and night — meets nutritional and emotional needs. It’s not a bad habit; it’s biological design.

• Contact naps. Yes, they’re real naps. No, you’re not “creating a dependency.” You’re helping a baby regulate.

• Reducing overstimulation. Dim lights, quiet voices, gentle transitions. Think “womb world” rather than “baby bootcamp.”

• Switching arms, sides, or holds. Sometimes trapped wind, reflux, or body tension adds to discomfort — especially after a long or fast labour, or birth interventions.

• Checking feeding and oral function. As Shel Banks points out, a baby who’s unsettled much of the time may actually be working hard to feed. Tongue tie, shallow latch, or inefficient feeding can leave babies tired, hungry, and unsettled.

When to seek further help

It’s never wrong to seek reassurance — you’re not “bothering” anyone. But if your gut says something’s off, listen to it.

Seek extra support if:

• Your baby cries for prolonged periods despite being held or fed.

• Feeding is painful, slow, or your baby isn’t gaining weight well.

• You notice signs of reflux, colic, or difficulty swallowing.

• You’re reaching breaking point yourself (because that matters too).

Start with your public health nurse, GP, or IBCLC — ideally someone with an understanding of infant behaviour and feeding.

Sometimes the answer is as simple as reassurance and more support. Other times, it might involve addressing oral anatomy, allergy, reflux, or sensory sensitivity — all of which can make babies appear “high needs.”

Final word

If you’re deep in the trenches with an unsettled baby, please know: this isn’t your fault, and it won’t be forever. These babies often grow into bright, curious, sensitive toddlers and fiercely empathetic adults.

As Shel Banks so beautifully puts it — many “high needs” babies are simply “high communication” babies. They’re not asking for too much; they’re asking for enough.

And you, tired wonder that you are, are giving them exactly what they need: a safe, responsive human to love them through it.

Further Reading & Resources

If this topic hit home, you might find these especially helpful:

• Shel Banks, IBCLC — Gentle, evidence-based information on unsettled babies, feeding, and normal infant behaviour: shelbanks.co.uk

• La Leche League International — Articles on responsive feeding, sleep, and what “normal” baby behaviour looks like: llli.org

• UNICEF Baby Friendly Initiative (UK & Ireland) — Guidance for parents on relationship building and baby cues: unicef.org.uk/babyfriendly

• The Possums Program (Dr Pamela Douglas) — Research-based support for infant sleep and feeding: possumsonline.com

• The Discontented Little Baby Book by Dr Pamela Douglas — A brilliant, compassionate read for anyone parenting a baby who doesn’t fit the “easy” mould.

• Cuidiú Ireland — Local support groups and breastfeeding counsellors who truly get it: cuidiu.ie

Need Support?

If you’re finding life with your baby overwhelming — if feeding feels like a battle, if sleep is non-existent, or if you’re simply wondering what’s normal — you don’t have to figure it out alone.

I support parents through these early weeks with one-to-one consultations, feeding assessments, and debriefing sessions.

You can learn more or get in touch here — I’d love to help you and your baby find your rhythm.