Is this normal? (The infant edition)

At some point in the early days of parenting, every mother ends up whispering the same question into Google at 2:47 a.m.

“Is this normal?”

Usually while holding a baby who has been feeding for forty minutes, refusing the cot with Olympic-level determination, and making mysterious squeaks like a tiny rubber toy.

The short answer to most infant questions is this:

Yes.
It’s probably normal.

The slightly longer answer is that modern expectations of babies and the biological reality of babies often live in completely different universes.

Let’s take a walk through a few of the greatest hits.

“My baby only wants to be held”

Normal.

In fact, expected.

Human babies are born neurologically immature. Anthropologists often describe us as “exterogestate” mammals — meaning a large part of development that might happen in the womb for other species happens outside the womb for us.

For nine months your baby lived in an environment that was warm, rhythmic, moving, and never alone.

Then suddenly they arrive in a world with gravity, silence, bright lights, and the occasional well-meaning attempt to put them down in a perfectly still basket.

Their nervous system responds the way any sensible nervous system would.

It looks for you.

Touch, warmth, smell and your voice regulate the baby’s heart rate, breathing and stress hormones. Close contact isn’t spoiling. It’s regulation.

“My baby feeds constantly”

Also normal.

Newborn stomachs are small. Human milk is digested quickly. And babies feed not only for nutrition but also for comfort, connection, and regulation.

Cluster feeding — when babies feed repeatedly over a few hours — is particularly common in the early weeks and during growth spurts.

It can feel relentless in the moment, but it is one of the ways babies help regulate milk production and meet their rapidly changing needs.

Your baby is not trying to run a tiny all-night café.

They are doing their biological job.

“My baby won’t sleep in the cot”

Again: normal.

Newborn sleep evolved in close proximity to a caregiver. Separation can activate a baby’s stress response because the infant brain associates distance with potential danger.

Research in nurture science, including work by Nils Bergman, shows that close contact with a caregiver helps stabilise newborn physiology — including breathing, temperature and heart rate.

When babies sleep in arms or on a parent’s chest, their nervous system often settles more easily because the environment matches what their biology expects.

Independent sleep develops gradually over time as the brain matures.

It is not a skill most newborns possess on day three of life.

“My baby wakes every two hours”

Also normal, particularly in the early months.

Infant sleep cycles are shorter than adult sleep cycles. Babies spend more time in lighter stages of sleep, which helps protect them physiologically and ensures frequent feeding.

Night waking is not necessarily a problem to fix. It is part of how babies maintain feeding patterns and physiological regulation.

Of course it can be exhausting for parents — and parents deserve support — but frequent waking itself is not evidence that something has gone wrong.

“My baby cries when I put them down”

Yes. Also normal.

For most of human history, babies were rarely separated from their caregivers. Being placed down alone is a relatively new cultural practice in evolutionary terms.

A baby crying when separated is not manipulative behaviour. It is communication from a nervous system that is wired to seek proximity.

The crying is essentially saying:
“Where did my safe person go?”

The Myth of the “Good Baby”

Somewhere along the way, a quiet cultural story took hold.

A “good” baby sleeps long stretches, feeds on a neat schedule, happily lies in a cot, and rarely needs to be held.

In reality, most babies do none of these things consistently.

They are noisy sleepers. They wake often. They want to be close. They change their patterns frequently. They grow, develop and reorganise themselves at dizzying speed.

In other words, they behave exactly like babies.

A Gentler Question

Instead of asking “Is this normal?”, it can sometimes help to ask a slightly different question.

“Is my baby’s behaviour understandable?”

More often than not, when we look at infant biology, attachment, and early development, the answer is yes.

Your baby is not broken.
You are not failing.

You are simply living through the wild, messy, tender early chapter of human development — one where tiny humans rely on big humans in the most profound ways imaginable.

And while it can feel chaotic in the moment, there is a quiet logic to it all.

Babies are designed for connection.

They are designed to need you.

And that need is not a problem to solve.

It’s the beginning of a relationship.

References

Bergman, N. J. and Bergman, N. (2013) ‘Whose choice? Advocating birthing practices according to baby’s biological needs’, The Practising Midwife, 16(9), pp. 20–24.

Feldman, R. (2007) ‘Parent–infant synchrony and the construction of shared timing: Physiological precursors, developmental outcomes, and risk conditions’, Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 48(3–4), pp. 329–354.

McKenna, J. J. and McDade, T. (2005) ‘Why babies should never sleep alone: A review of the co-sleeping controversy in relation to SIDS, bedsharing and breast feeding’, Paediatric Respiratory Reviews, 6(2), pp. 134–152.

Narvaez, D. (2013) ‘The 99%: Development and socialisation within an evolutionary context’, Journal of Psychology in Africa, 23(4), pp. 613–619.

Riordan, J. and Wambach, K. (2016) Breastfeeding and Human Lactation. 5th edn. Burlington, MA: Jones & Bartlett Learning.

St James-Roberts, I. (2012) The Origins, Prevention and Treatment of Infant Crying and Sleeping Problems. London: Routledge.